What a Love!

This picture with a manger and the Cross is beautiful to me.  On Christmas, some traditionally remember Jesus' birth in Bethlehem.  They think about the fact that He was born, but that's about all. Others don't consider The Lord at all.  They simply take part in the festivities, and gift-giving and receiving.  I think it's easy to stop at His birth.  But like the above picture so perfectly illustrates, Jesus' purpose was to die.  For me. For you.  He was Lord when He was born, and He is Lord now and forever.

Recently I looked at a familiar scripture, but The Father let something stick out to me that I don't think ever has before:

"She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”  (emphasis mine)
       Matthew 1:21 NIV

The scripture says "...because He will save HIS people from their sins." As I read this verse, the fact that He called us HIS people stood out to me.  It's as if He called me His even while I was in my sin.  The Father is infinite, and yes, He knew beforehand that I would accept Him and ask Him to come into my heart and be Lord of my life.  But He loved me before I ever said yes!! As He watched me do crazy things, risk my life and safety, try hard to fit in, get involved in ungodly behavior, He still loved me! I am overwhelmed by this!  What a love that waits and woos.  What a love The Father had for me, that He had redemption in mind. God knew we would sin and lose our way, so He prepared a way of escape for us.  Thank You Jesus!!! I love you!!

Still

Why the flowers? Well, I love flowers.  They are representative of life, beauty, and even bright tomorrows, to me.  My life has been really challenging for the last several years, and it's become even more challenging over the past few months.  It feels like so many things have gone wrong, and my faith is being hit.  All my "stuff"-my inner issues are surfacing.  You see, when life if especially hard, you end up coming face to face with the real YOU.  So, I found that I was still fearful. Still impatient.   Still having unrealistic expectations of people.  Still desperate for friends-maybe for the wrong reasons.  Still angry.

I've expected my folk to really reach out to me during this time, and they mostly have not.  That brought up issues.  I've had to see my children angry and disappointed.  That brings up more issues.  I've had suggestions to do things that aren't right--just to get myself out of this situation.  And that makes me look at my commitment to God.  My prayer life has gone down.  Why? Mainly because I have been stunned and upset, and tired of the pain.  More issues.  When it's all said and done, where is my faith?  Who am I?  And how do I handle it when the phone doesn't ring, and almost no one calls or texts--when I feel so in need of a friend who's there when I feel so alone, and when so many people know how broken I have been?  How much do I trust God?  How solid is my marriage?  What do I do when it looks like all I've hoped for and believed for is out of reach?  When my children want to know why all of this is happening to us?

Even as I type, I have no idea about what to do, or how to resolve the stuff my family and I are having to deal with currently.  We need such a miracle.  And the truth is, it doesn't look very promising.

But the thing I know is, God specializes in things that are impossible with man.  I think many times, people around you seem not to care because they don't stop and check on you.  Sometimes, maybe, they don't really know what to say to make it better, so they stay away.  I forgive them.  This does, however make me want to never not reach out to those who are hurting--even if I don't know what to say.  Sometimes it helps just to know someone is thinking of you and praying for you-even when they don't see you.

I am fighting with all my might to believe my best days are ahead.  I am struggling--but still believing.  If I give up my faith now, the enemy wins and I lose.  And losing is not an option for me. I've come too far. Yes, I will cry.  My tears help me survive.  Without that release, I'm not sure I would make it.  If pressure builds and builds and builds, and there is no outlet, eventually there is an explosion--and that will not be my story.

So I continue to hope.  To stand.  To fight.  To believe.  Hand in hand with my husband, and looking to The Only One Who is Eternally Faithful, I stand.  One day I will have a testimony--a mind-blowing, God-glorifying testimony.  Until then, I continue to hope.

My Personal Journal Entry

This is my personal journal entry. It's actually my prayer to God.  Yes, I am making it public in hopes it will resonate with someone and give someone encouragement.  I love blogging because I want to be transparent, and I believe that only the people who are meant to read my posts will read them.  I love you all.

 Today- well, tonight, I am choosing to write my prayer to You, Sweet, Kind, Amazing, Faithful Father.  I come to You in the matchless Name of my Savior, JESUS CHRIST. The truth is-and You already know this-I have been finding it hard to pray.  Although I am grateful for the good in my life, I have experienced way more sorrow during my adulthood than I ever imagined I would. I was sure that so much sadness in my early years was giving way to a dream life--not a perfect life, but at least one where I would feel significant and loved unconditionally.  I fight the thought that this whole thing is like a "fixed fight"-set up for me to lose. I would love to have understanding of why I have to have so much pain-and the kind that is embarrassing-so I can't tell many people about it, so there is much loneliness.  Wondering why people have walked away.  Wondering when things get better.  I have to keep hope alive, otherwise I don't know how I'd survive this. I understand that when people see me cry often, they sometimes think it's a sign of being overly sensitive or even weak.  They have no idea how in my flesh, I want to either fight or take flight. They have no idea how much I bear, and how my heart feels like it is perpetually broken-or how I grieve for the life I once had--and the life I thought I'd have.  BUT, I will still hold onto Your Hand, for it is an unchanging Hand.  Yes, my heart aches, but I love You more than life itself.  In spite of all of this, You are sovereign, and I remember that my life and times are in Your hands.  Maybe I've been finding it hard to pray because I have mistakenly been thinking I need to pray certain words or phrases, and be super joyful.  After all, I want to make You smile.  But, the truth is that I am broken.  Crushed. Exhausted.  But I am here. Still standing.  Only because of Your grace.  My hope is not in my husband, my finances, my business, or my abilities. My hope is in YOU. I love You, JESUS!            Please help me to make the right choices during this time in my life-and PLEASE, PLEASE, use this to make me like You. I pray this in Jesus' Name.  Amen.

An Empty Jar

As I was praying just a couple of days ago, God allowed me to see something very clearly. We are all like the jar pictured above.  Even when we try not to let people see who we really are, we show them our true selves eventually.  When someone meets us, they see much about us-without our saying a lot.  Our lives (jars) show our fears, our interests, our frustrations, our goals, and our aspirations.  Some of us have jars that are overflowing with all the stuff we want out of life.  We want to be well off financially, and have healthy relationships.  Most of our jars are quite full. 

But God wants our jars empty.  I absolutely believe The Father wants us to have goals and dreams, but He doesn't want our will to overshadow His.  He has made it clear that we are to have no other gods before Him.  One of our biggest issues in life is that we lack balance. And the attitude we must maintain is "Not my will, Lord, but Thine be done."  The beauty of an empty jar is that God gets to fill it up with what He desires.  

"I desire to do Your will, my God; your law is within my heart."  Psalm 40;8 NIV

My deepest desire is to make a difference in this world for Christ, and for His kingdom. Just like many people in Jesus' day thought His kingdom would be an earthly one, so many people look at us and only see our natural abilities, and our earthly potential.  This world seems to have a lot to offer, but like my Savior, this world is not my home. I am simply a stranger and a pilgrim passing through. Therefore, I must remind myself that I am a vessel who belongs to The Lord, and must accomplish His will for me, while I am in this body, for the length of days I am allotted.  When people meet me, I pray they see Christ, and His love, and His light, and His desires.  They have see

Tied up in Fire

I've been thinking about the 4 Hebrew youths who were taken captive from their home-to Babylon.  People tell of what they endured, and refer to the 3 besides Daniel, as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  I, personally, prefer to refer to them by their actual names: Hananiah, Azariah, and Mishael.  Daniel's name was also changed to Belteshazzar.

These young men were taken, and forced to learn the Chaldean language and literature, and go through a 3 year training period, so they could be shaped into counselors who would know how to conduct themselves in the palace at the end of that training.  They were given Babylonian names.  But one thing that is striking is that they were chosen because they already had something.  They were strong, good-looking, widely read, healthy, informed, alert, and sensible.

Many of us have heard the story, which is a true story--not just a "story", and we understand that because Hananiah, Azariah, and Mishael refused to bow to anyone but The One True God, they were thrown into a furnace that was heated up seven times hotter than usual-so much so, that the guards who threw them into the furnace were killed by the fire that leapt out of the furnace.  We know that they believed that even if God did not deliver them from this fate, it was not because He wasn't able to deliver them.  They were strong and sure in their convictions.  These young men were thrown into the furnace, and fell down inside, bound up.  And the king, Nebuchadnezzar looked in, and saw something shocking:

24 But suddenly, as he was watching, Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in amazement and exclaimed to his advisors, “Didn’t we throw three men into the furnace?”

“Yes,” they said, “we did indeed, Your Majesty.”

25 “Well, look!” Nebuchadnezzar shouted. “I see four men, unbound, walking around in the fire, and they aren’t even hurt by the flames! And the fourth looks like a god!”[c]
Daniel 3:24, 25 (TLB)
  
For us, children of The Most High, we may be facing fiery trials.  And being in the fire is rough.  In some cases,  it's not just being in the fire.  We feel as though we are bound--tied up!

What you must understand is that there is something in you.  You may look at yourself and focus more on your issues than your strengths, but God has put something special in you.  He has made many investments in you, and although you may not always see yourself as having something to offer, God's perspective is very different.  I believe that the thing that moves God most of all is FAITH.  Believe that God will receive a return on the investments He made in you.  Speak it! Know it! Trials do not change God's plan for your life! In fact, the fire is known to purify.  Submit to the process of purification by fire.  The Father has said He would never leave or forsake us, so no matter how hot the situation is, if God be for us.... you know the rest, right? Yes!! Who can be against us? He is more than the whole world against us!  I'm excited about my future, but even more excited about my present, because I can see myself becoming more like Him, and who could ask for anything better!??

No More Tantrums!

Can adults throw tantrums?  Oh yes!! And we do!! I think we have one idea of what a tantrum is. We think it's literally kicking and screaming, and demanding to have our way.  Well, in a child, it looks like that, but in us adults (specifically children of God), we can look, on the outside, like we are truly submitting our wills to God's, but deep down inside, we are angry, and demanding why this is happening to us.  After all, don't we give, and sacrifice, and pray, and fast?  Aren't we in church, and talking with others on the phone for hours just to encourage them?  We even say (to ourselves only), "I don't deserve this pain!" We question God's faithfulness--and even His motives!! (Forgive me, Father, for all the times I have done this). In essence, we're throwing a tantrum!

We all have to go through things, and many times our trials seem to go on forever.  If you are facing an illness, or an ongoing financial issue, or a problem in your marriage that you and your partner can't ever seem to see eye to eye on, some pain just lasts a long time.  But the truth is, whether your trial is a couple of days, a few months, or many years, there is great potential in it, to make you exactly what God wants you to be.

As a parent, I can look at one of my children, in the midst of something quite painful for them, and want really badly to help them get out of the painful thing.  But God allows me to look at the bigger picture, and He shows me that they need to actually go all the way through what they are facing.  It would be detrimental to them in the long run if I rescue them.  If I continue to rescue them, I cause them to develop at  a slower rate-or not to get the lesson at all.  What kind of parent would that make me!?  

When I picture God, my sweet, wonderful Father, looking at me during a particularly difficult trial, I picture pain in His face.  I believe His heart aches because mine aches.  I am sure He does not rejoice in my sorrow, but painfully, sternly, allows patience to have her perfect work in me.  Because He is absolutely all-knowing, He sees the end--and knows that in order for me to become like Him, there are things in me that must be killed.  My flesh cannot be the loudest voice, if I truly want to be used by God.  I've got to hear His voice over all the other voices, and in a trial, the old me gets crushed, and a fragrance that God loves comes forth.  I learn to trust Him on a deeper level, and I experience such a beautiful love, as He takes me step-by-step through the whole thing.

 "But all these things that I once thought very worthwhile—now I’ve thrown them all away so that I can put my trust and hope in Christ alone. 8 Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have put aside all else, counting it worth less than nothing, in order that I can have Christ, 9 and become one with him, no longer counting on being saved by being good enough or by obeying God’s laws, but by trusting Christ to save me; for God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith—counting on Christ alone. 10 Now I have given up everything else—I have found it to be the only way to really know Christ and to experience the mighty power that brought him back to life again, and to find out what it means to suffer and to die with him. 11 So whatever it takes, I will be one who lives in the fresh newness of life of those who are alive from the dead."    Phil. 3:7-10 (TLB)

God responds to faith-not tantrums.  Whenever you find yourself throwing a tantrum again, realize how ridiculous you look, because God in still on the Throne, and it's time we grow up and really submit to His will.  Allow Him to change you--and yes, it does happen through pain, but in the end, it is all worth it, if we come out looking like Christ! Hallelujah!

I'm Late! I'm Late!

I've been thinking about my purpose, my destiny, my ultimate goal on this earth, and if I'm anywhere close to reaching it.  I have looked admiringly at the people who seem to have their lives mapped out. They know what they're doing, and when, and even why they must do it.  These are the folks that are disciplined with their time.  Wasting precious time is something that makes them feel sick to their stomachs.  They are goal-oriented, and think things through.  They seem fearless!  Then I look at myself.  Honestly, I feel so lost sometimes-in terms of what I should be doing.  In fact, some days I get a lot done, even if it isn't the most important stuff, and other days, I feel like I've accomplished little more than just getting out of bed.

I want more than anything in this world, to make a difference for God's kingdom.  I want to leave a legacy that others can be encouraged and blessed by. When it's all said and done, I want to reach my destiny! Yes, I feel like I'm late.  Did I blow it? Am I ever going to get to "that place"? Well, I am finite, and God is infinite.  I could obsess over the "what ifs" and become frazzled, or I can pray, submit to The Father daily, and give myself completely over to His will.  I don't know what tomorrow holds, and I know I'm not perfect, but I am choosing to trust God's will for my life.  He, more than anyone else, knows that I want to be what He wants, but He also knows how ill-equipped I am to accomplish it on my own. So I'm back to inhaling deeply, and exhaling, all while trusting God with absolutely every part of my life. If I am late, God can redeem the time, so either way, I'm good!!

Beautiful Hope

"There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"        (Romans 5:3-5 The Message)

Hope is a delicate, beautiful thing.  I have a particular situation in my life that I've ached over for a long time.  I think I've been through all phases with it.  I was hopeful at some point, but then, over time, I experienced sadness, frustration, anger, agony, and finally, numbness.  I actually pretty much lost hope things would change for the better.  I've fought to keep my hope in God, all while I prayed for change.  And I've found it challenging to keep hoping when situations are unresolved for long periods of time.  The thing is, God is faithful even when man is not.  

Again, I think about the woman in the Bible with the issue of blood.  She had suffered for 12 long years.  That's over 4,300 days! Talk about longsuffering! The Bible does not say this woman was smiling every day, or even that she was hopeful every day.  I'd bet she had times when she wanted to give up--to die.  Let me tell you, there are some things you can face that will make you want to just give up completely.  I know I've felt pain that made me feel like I was going just fall completely apart-or even have some sort of break down!  But, like the woman with this health issue that lasted so long, I keep coming back to hope! It's been really hard--and the truth is, I haven't hoped much in this situation for awhile, but I kept fighting to keep my hope and faith in God.

Well, this evening I noticed something.  I had hope!!! Hope about the situation that has not changed in many years.  Hope that made me smile.  I know it could only have been God who restored my hope.  Is the situation different? Not yet-as far as I can see, but I believe that as the scripture says above, In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. When we hope in God, we are never left feeling shortchanged.  If you find yourself feeling shortchanged, check where you left your hope.  

Running on Empty

Okay.  I'm about to be really transparent.  If you're not ready, please excuse yourself.  I won't be upset.  I think it's important to be honest.  You never know when it will help someone, and it's actually therapeutic to let go of the baggage.  Writing is very soothing for me, and it helps me to sort things out in my head.  So... here goes.

Yesterday was a rough one for me.  I try so hard to be strong, and do what I am supposed to.  I take my responsibilities seriously, and try to be where I am supposed to be-on time.  No, I don't always hit the mark in that area, but I do try.  Tending to the necessary, the important, and the crucial.  But sometimes, right in the middle of the stuff I'm doing, I break down.  I can be fine one moment and then just bust out crying.  I know it may make people feel a little weird, and those around me may not understand, but there are things (important things) in my life that seem to be falling apart.  As I said before, when you go through a trial that lasts maybe 6 months, it's hard, but when the pain lasts more than 7 years, it will try absolutely every "nerve" you have!  I am learning, through my own trial, not to judge people, or how I see them behave, because they can be dealing with things that I can only imagine having to deal with.

I prayed to the Lord during praise team rehearsal, last night, "Lord, I hope there is some oil that comes out of me, because I feel like I'm being crushed".  Life is precarious, and Jesus told us we would have tribulation, but the truth is, I feel sometimes like, "when is this going to be over"? The real is, I fight not to become cynical--to keep believing good will come.  Don't get me wrong.  I have some beauty in my life.  It's just that the pain has been pretty much constant for almost a decade.  I really feel, many days, like I'm running on empty.  Like I'm just done.  Enough is enough.

The only reason I survive each day is because of Christ.  I regularly (sometimes more than once a day), choose to forgive those who cause me hurt.  Even now, I know it is only my connection to The Father that keeps my aching heart from just failing (emotionally), altogether.  I fight to keep my thoughts in line with God's.  I have to decide each day to praise Him.  And as I reach out for Him, He reaches out for me.  He comforts me, and loves on me, giving me the "staying power" I need, and reminds me that I am His own.  I don't have control over other people, and I can't control many situations, but I can make the choice to praise God with all my heart.  I truly believe that He honors the sacrifice, because it is a sacrifice when every part of you says "Just stay in bed and sleep, so you don't have to deal".  I am so grateful I can release the stress through my tears in prayer, praise and worship.  I do not exaggerate when I say that worship and praise keeps me alive.  My advice to you: Weep if you must, but pour out your heart and tears to God. Never stop praising Him, because when you do, He strengthens you. Some of the clearest messages I've received from God came during praise and worship.  It's as if the garbage that pollutes the (spiritual) air on a regular basis is cleared when true worship is going on, and I can hear The Lord clearer.  It's so wonderful! I know that man may be unfaithful.  I can't count how many times I have been unfaithful to God, but He is NEVER unfaithful!  He knows and cares for us, and the most awesome thing is that He will never leave or forsake His own! Hallelujah!

Mark 9:24Living Bible (TLB)

24 The father instantly replied, “I do have faith; oh, help me to have more!”

Make it Stop!!

Did you ever feel like you just wanted all the noise to stop?  The world is so loud so much of the time.  Music playing.  Television blaring.  Traffic.  Internet ads.  Kids fighting.  Dogs barking.  But the truth is, at least for me, even when it's fairly quiet around me, my flesh is loud.  My thoughts are aggressively pushing me to make decisions, or speak my mind, or to be offended with someone.  I find that one of the loudest voices I hear is my own.  My thoughts are just ridiculous in vying for my attention.

Sometimes there is so much to do that I don't want to do anything.  Groceries are needed.  Dry cleaning has to be picked up.  Kids have extracurricular activities and meetings I have to pick them up from or attend.  Someone needs gym shorts.  Someone needs math homework help.  I have a conference call in 2 hours.  The chicken is not thawed out for dinner.   The light bill, phone bill, and gas bill are all due within the next couple of days.  I'm exhausted and I need a date night with the hubster.  Ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Enough already! I am choosing to shut down every voice except the voice of The Father.  It's only His voice that brings correction, direction, conviction, and compassion.  The other voices are schizophrenic! They're all over the place.  They are confusing and annoying because they are all so pushy.  I choose today to rest in God.  I know there is a lot to get done.  I know my family needs things.  But I also know that if I allow myself to be bullied by the great big "To-Do" list, I will be ready to throw a chair through a window-or worse!

Take deep breaths.  Inhale. Exhale. Write down maybe 2 or 3 things you want to get accomplished each day, and for goodness' sake, pace yourself.  You are not superhuman.  But if you are a child of God, you have Someone who will carry your heavy load.  As a matter of fact, He tells us:

Matthew 11:28Living Bible (TLB)

28 Come to me and I will give you rest—all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke—for it fits perfectly—and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens.”

Remember that if God is for you, He is more than the whole world against you.  And do what you must to quiet the outside voices, because they can lead you down a dangerous path.  God's got you--always! Relax. 

Drop Dead!

Colossians 3:5Amplified Bible (AMP)

5 So kill (deaden, [a]deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in your members [those animal impulses and all that is earthly in you that is employed in sin]: sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness, for that is idolatry (the deifying of self and other created things instead of God).

My husband is well able to fend for himself, to speak up for himself, and to be still when God leads him to be still.  Although I know  this, I still found myself wanting to get on the phone earlier and confront someone who caused him pain.  I wanted to "fight" for him, because, well, sometimes I think I can really explain things in a way that maybe Mike couldn't or wouldn't.  As I pondered making this call, I was reminded (by The Holy Spirit, I'm sure), that my flesh is still too much alive.  When someone just drops dead, it's quick, and sometimes painless.  But when they are "killed", sometimes it's slow and painful.  Well, the Bible tells me that I am to KILL (deaden, deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in my members--my flesh.  The old Michelle, the one that was always defensive and ready to fight, even when I tried to hide it, can never be in charge again.  So here I am.  I will not make that call.  I will deny my flesh the pleasure of being "right".  The truth is that all unholy appetites-even the one that wants to tell our side of the story and demands to be right is flesh, and must be brought under subjection to God's way, or it will only create havoc.  We don't get to have our fleshy side just drop dead.  We have to do the hard work-with God's help, of course.  When you feel like going off on somebody, even if you feel they deserve it, ask God to give you grace.  When you are tempted to watch foolishness on tv, like the Kardashian mess, or one of those Real Housewives shows, where there is a bunch of cussing and celebrating evil, ask God to lead you to something entertaining that you won't have to cringe to watch.  I recently started watching "Hell's Kitchen" on Comcast On Demand, because I do enjoy cooking competitions, but those folks cuss like crazy, and it bugs me. I've been trying to just bear it to enjoy the show, but I've got to put that one to the side.  I haven't gotten this thing down, trust me, but I mean to crucify this nasty flesh so that The Holy Spirit can lead, and I follow without hesitation.  

Breathe. Yell. Breathe. Repeat.

It's funny how crazy life can be.  Our kids go back to school in 5 days and there is soooo much to do. Four of my five kids are girls, so I've got lots of hair to take care of.  Morgan wanted her hair braided with extensions.  I know how to do it, but don't necessarily enjoy all that braiding, but I got it done.  Milan, who cries when I brush her hair needed her roots touched up, because, yes, she has a relaxer to make it less stressful when I have to comb her hair.  Madison wants braids too, and I'll have to do that later on today.  Mykayla, whose hair is much like mine, which is curly, had to condition her hair so I could really moisturize it so she can wear her curls out.  I need to get ready so I can start teaching piano in September, my son has football practice every day after school beginning next week,  I have wonderful customers who placed orders that are due this weekend, and I haven't even bought one pencil or notebook for the kids' school supplies!  

So, yeah, it's a lot, and I haven't even mentioned everything on my "to-do" list, but if I don't give myself permission to sit down in between all the stuff, it's likely that I'll be going off on somebody.  I dream of being the kind of mom who just has it together.  You know the kind I mean.  She's up super early, has her devotional time with The Lord.  Then she has breakfast about done by the time her kids and husband are finished dressing.  She sees everyone off to school and work, then hits the gym, and runs errands--all while smiling and telling people "God bless you"!  She is a virtuous woman--a true crown to her husband.  All laundry is done, and by the time the kids get home, there is fresh baked bread coming out of the oven, or brownies made from scratch....well, the baking part, I kinda have, because, well,  I'm a baker! LOL!!  Anyway, her attitude is like a breath of fresh air.  She never gets annoyed with he kids' bickering.  She simply gives them the tools to hash it out and keep loving each other.  She's active in her church, and even has time to help out at school, and her husband spends much of the day thanking God for his perfect wife.

Yeah, right!  The truth is that sometimes I feel like packing my stuff and leaving for at least a few days.  Let my family miss me and realize how hard I work!  I do end up yelling things like "STOP FIGHTING OR YOU'RE BOTH IN TROUBLE!!!!"  or "Somebody, find my cell phone and my other slipper!!!"  I am not always graceful.  Sometimes I have my shirt on inside out and I'm wearing a pair of raggedy shorts, and my hair is way out of place.  I am loud.  Ask my kids.  I laugh loud.  I make silly faces at them.  I make mistakes-sometimes big ones.  I am perfectly imperfect! The thing is, I like me.  I'm okay with my imperfect self, because I am striving to reach that place that God is calling me to.  And at the end of the day, I love God most of all, my family comes next, and my dreams, endeavors, and visions, along with my businesses come third.  One of these days, I'll be in a hammock on the beach.  Today, it might just be sitting on the deck with a cup of coffee, after I've yelled at the kids for fighting over who's turn it is to wash the dishes.  But life is still sweet.

May I Take Your Order?

This is from my blog post almost 4 years ago, and I happened to see it again today.  I'm sharing it with you, but the truth is, I needed to hear this most of all!  Today I definitely need to be encouraged.  I believe that one day, God will allow me to share my testimony, but for right now, it's taking all my strength to just keep moving, when my flesh feels like pulling the covers up over my head and staying in bed.  Pressing on.  Thank You, Lord!

"May I Take Your Order?"

September 1, 2011 at 9:40am

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Many years ago, I heard someone talking about the scripture in Isaiah 40 (vs. 31) where it talks about those who "wait" on the Lord. Well, here's the actual scripture:

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (NKJV)

The interesting part of what this person said, was that waiting on the Lord also meant serving--like a waiter or waitress does. Now, I know that may have just been their own thought, but I think it's pretty deep. As I prayed earlier, I asked the Lord how I was to get through all the hardships I am facing at this time. I was feeling, maybe a little like being in a fight that was fixed--that there was no way I could win. But when I opened my Bible, and saw this scripture, I understood that to get through it (and give God the glory), I'd have to allow Him to give me power when I was weak, and WAIT on Him. Yes, wait on Him to change my circumstances, but actually SERVE while waiting. One of the things that makes a server/waiter in a restaurant extraordinary is their ability to serve with a smile and a pleasant attitude. As a matter of fact, if you've ever had a waiter with a nasty or uncaring disposition, you may never have wanted to visit that establishment again. The food may have been tasty, the prices may have been affordable, the restaurant may have even been in a convenient location, but if your waiter or waitress was icky, it would have likely thrown everything else off. So, with that in mind, I say to the Father, "May I take Your order?" I desire to be the best "waitress" in the Kingdom. What is life anyway, if I am not consumed with God's desires above my own? :)

I've Got This!

It's so easy to say "I trust God".  Really, truly, I want to trust Him with all my heart.  How beautiful would it be to just relax and say "Ok, Lord, this is yours.  I will find my rest in you"?  It would be wonderful!  The issue is that I keep getting distracted with all the stuff that isn't going right, and how (I) can fix it.  Well, here's some history about me.  I was raised primarily by my mother, a very strong woman who fought for what she wanted and was determined to be independent-even after my father left us.  She raised 3 girls, struggled to pay a mortgage and send us to private school, and she drilled certain things into us: 1) If you want something done, do it yourself! 2) Don't ever be the type of person whose phone call causes the person on the other end to wonder "What does she want this time"? 3) Trust a man as far as you can throw him.   Ok, so you see at least part of the reason I struggle with relinquishing control?

During my marriage, Mike has had to fight me to allow him to handle things-and sometimes to take care of me.  Trust just hasn't been my area of strength.  Maybe it's because deep down, I feel that if I give someone that power, they also have the power to break my heart--and The Lord knows my heart has endured a lot of breaks.

One of the many things I truly love about God is that He knows my fault lines.  He is well acquainted with the pain my heart has endured, and the fact that I really fight to keep loving, and even learning to trust people.  But most of all, He knows I do love Him more than any person alive, and although I haven't "arrived", I am doing better in these areas than before, by His grace and tender mercy.  I just have to keep reminding myself of what God says in His Word, and that unlike man, He CANNOT lie, so trusting Him is like writing that great big check without any thought about whether or not the funds are there to back it up.

Tis' so sweet to trust in Jesus. Just to take Him at His Word.  Just to rest upon His promise, and to know "thus saith The Lord"!

I am facing some really critical situations in my life, and I can't say that I even see a clear path to success in these areas.  I have cried what seems like a river over pain that I wish would end, but I keep coming back to a few things. Firstly, no matter what I face, God is with me, and no challenge (good or bad) makes Him any less God.  Secondly, the joy of The Lord is my strength.  If I can focus my vision upward, toward Him, I will maintain peace even in the midst of the storm.  And lastly, because of Romans 8:28, I understand that because I do love The Lord, and am the called according to His purpose, all things work together for my good, so even when I don't look or feel it, I'm cool!  I don't have to handle things on my own.  I have a real Father who is Faithful and True, and I will finish this race strong!

When you feel really flustered and want to fall apart, remember that if you are a child of God, He's got you!  And He cannot fail!

Happily Ever After

This is our love story: 19 years ago, after kissing my share of "frogs", I met Michael Bishop.  We became great friends, and started dating in less than 3 months of meeting. We fell in love, got engaged, and then had a beautiful, intimate wedding in my dad's yard, with about 110 guests.  It was just wonderful.  Right after our first wedding anniversary, we welcomed our first child, our son, Michael Solomon.   We recently celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary, and I can tell you that our marriage has been close to perfect-like a sweet dream I didn't want to wake up from.

Ha!!! Gotcha!!! Most of what I said above is accurate, but all that hoohaw about a nearly perfect union can be scratched!  Being married and trying to make 2 very different people into 1 has been interesting but quite painful. Sure, we've had great times, but there were many times I thought all this fighting was just not worth it.  I've looked at Mike in the past, and asked "Who are you? You are not the man I married!" Yes, we have talked about separating. Yes, we've gone to bed and made sure our feet didn't touch in bed. Yes, we have faced issues with our extended families, our children, our finances, and even our health.  As a matter of fact, I never thought marriage would be so difficult at times!

But more importantly,  there have been times that I laid on my side of the bed during the night, and looked at my husband's face, with only the light coming from the hallway allowing me to make out his facial features.  I've noticed, during those times that Mike has aged.  He still is very handsome,  but he doesn't look the same way he did almost 2 decades ago.  Truth is, as much challenge as we have had these past 17 years, I still believe my husband has my best interest at heart, and only wants me to succeed in life.

Marriage will make you  come face-to-face with your personal issues, and your issues with compromise, humility, and problem-solving.  It's the hardest assignment I've ever had, but maybe the most rewarding.  And I am also coming to understand that no matter what crazy situations your relationship endures, it truly takes total dependance on The Father to survive and thrive.

So, although I'd love for Mike to be "Mr. Perfect Husband", that's just not possible. He's human just like me, and I am not "Mrs. Perfect Wife" on my best day!  We must allow God to heal our personal issues, and, at the same time, stick together.  Marriage can be absolutely amazing,  but it doesn't just happen. It takes work, humility, and dependence on God!  No matter what you're facing, fight for your marriage,  and the place to start and end, is in prayer.

What's Love Got to Do With It?

When I was younger, I didn't understand why people always said "You can't love anyone else, until you love yourself".  I mean, I was nice to people.  I helped them, forgave them, and was quite loving, or so I thought.  You see, I only came to know what loving myself was within the last 15 years or so.  This means, of course, that I was around 30 when I kinda started getting it.

Before you can genuinely love yourself, you've got to know yourself.  God took me on a journey of getting to know who I was-the way He made me-originally, and not the way the happenings of life had shaped my character. For instance, I used to think I was shy and quiet.  But God showed me that life had caused me to second-guess myself and fear what people would think about me.  I didn't want to be rejected, so I became mute.  When I really began to listen to my internal dialogue, I found that I was very hard on myself.  I called myself names (not out loud, of course), beating myself up when I failed, and was pretty merciless with the one I can never escape-myself.  So, knowing I was hard on myself, but so understanding with other people, caused me to really listen to my internal dialogue when it came to dealing with others.  Remember one thing: SELF-DECEPTION  IS THE WORST KIND OF DECEPTION! What I saw was startling and scary!  I found that I was not kind and understanding with others.  Inside, I was angry and annoyed with other people.  Much of the time, I fussed at them in my mind and had negative thoughts about why they did what they did, and I didn't actually have much mercy on them.  What an epiphany!! Hallelujah!

As awful as this sounds, I've come to understand that you cannot change what you don't realize is a problem.  So my journey to self love began.  When my son was little, he'd say "Mistakes... everybody makes them!"  God allowed me to catch that! So, when I would fail in an area, I'd say what my little boy would say: "Mistakes--everybody makes them!"  This small gesture was a tool for me in learning to extend mercy--to myself, and then to others.  I got to know--and like myself, and in turn, I began to see people differently.  Now,  the temptation still comes, to be harder on myself than I need to be, but if I see my flaw or flawed behavior, admit it, repent (make a conscious, deliberate effort to turn from it), ask God for forgiveness, and forgive myself, I can keep moving forward.  So grateful that I'm never too old to learn, and I'm even more grateful that The Lord never stops teaching me! God is LOVE!

The Invisibility Factor

John 12:24Amplified Bible (AMP)

24 I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains [just one grain; it never becomes more but lives] by itself alone. But if it dies, it produces many others and yields a rich harvest.

So here I am.  I've been feeling completely invisible, quite often, for quite awhile.  My heart is heavy, so very heavy, because the trial has lasted so very long.   And the problem with a lengthy trial is that it will either build some serious spiritual muscle, which will glorify God, or it will completely wear you down.  Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming but no one can hear me.

But what I know is that God can hear me.  The Spirit of The Lord recently reminded me to "remember the woman with the issue of blood".  If you have been in church for any length of time, you know this woman.  She had dealt with a health issue for more than a decade, had spent all she had on doctors, but was no better.  She was invisible in her society. An outcast.  Unclean.  Unwanted.  In fact, she did not experience a breakthrough in her health until she pressed her way through the crowd that day to touch the hem of Jesus' garment.  As I type, I am seeing for the first time, that she had spent all she had on doctors, but Jesus alone (not her, with all her trying) made the difference.

My flesh, my will, my preconceived ideas of how my life should be, is dying.  I've prayed over and over again to become like Christ, and the process is painful.  When the grain of wheat goes into the ground, it experiences:

1. Darkness: You may not see your way, but when you can't trace God's hand, trust His heart.  He has not forgotten you.

2. Aloneness: People leave, or just act flaky.  But don't despair, and don't go looking for them.  This is also part of the process of getting to the destiny God has set for you.  The truth is, just being in pain for such a long time can make you feel alone. Take comfort in the fact that He will never leave or forsake you.

3. Being forgotten: It feels like life is going on, and you are in the same dark place.  God has not forgotten your prayers or your tears.  Just make sure you do not forget to consistently surrender your heart and life to The Father.

4. Coldness: It's uncomfortable in this place.  You want it to change right now, but you have no power over certain things.  Find your place of warmth in the promises of God.  Recite them.  Write them out on index cards and put them all over your house as reminders.  Believe. Believe. Believe!

5. Death! After all, that's what this is all about, anyway.  We are called to deny ourselves, to pick up our crosses daily, and follow Jesus.  Anyone who thinks they will serve God without pain and discomfort is mistaken.  Our peace comes with the fact that, although Jesus said we would have tribulation in this world, would should be of good cheer because He has already overcome this world.  Therefore, we are overcomers!

I would be lying if I said I wasn't tired of this place, but I will press.  I will lean on The Father.  I may be buried deep, but I am determined to not allow this to wear me down.

Psalm 37:7Amplified Bible (AMP)

7 Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.

Tormented

As I was driving home from the supermarket this morning, talking to God, and weeping through the pain of my current situation, and fighting to hold onto faith without wavering, I was gently reminded of Psalm 23-specifically the second part of vs. 4: "... I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me". (KJV)

But in The Living Bible translation, it reads "I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me, guarding, guiding all the way".

We all go through things in life, and giving your life to Christ does not automatically make you exempt in the trial and tribulation department.  I'm sure a lot more people would "come to The Lord" if it did.  Sometimes, in fact, it feels like the fire is turned up once we really get serious about God.  Well, I've been going through a particular trial for more than a decade, and the truth is, sometimes I just get tired.  But worse than being tired is being afraid.  If I'm going to be honest, and, hey, there's no other way I want to be, I have to admit that I've spent much of my life afraid.  I love God and believe in Him, but fear always seems to try to come lurking.  Afraid of not having enough.  Afraid of my marriage failing.  Afraid of being rejected by people-especially family members.  Afraid of being talked about.  Afraid of failing in business.  Afraid of more loss.  Afraid of failing God. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid!!!! 

But God has not given me the spirit of fear or timidity.  He has given me power, love, and a sound, well-balanced mind.  Fear makes you desperate, and desperation makes you do dumb things!  In essence, operating in constant fear makes your mind off-balance, which causes you to make choices that are not sound ones. The Bible says that fear has torment, and boy does it!!   But Hallelujah! The scripture goes on to say "But when I am afraid, I will put my confidence in You" Psalm 56:3.  The prescription for fear is to make a conscious, deliberate decision to trust in God.  So today, I choose to trust God with my marriage, my children, my finances, my health, my businesses, and every other area, because no matter what it looks like to those around me, or even to me at times, The Lord is close beside me, guarding and guiding me all the way! Now that's cause to celebrate!

The First Man in My Life

This is the last picture I took with my dad.  It was taken about a year ago.  We live in the same town, but I almost never see him.

You don't get to choose your parents or your siblings.  You get what you get, and you don't pitch a fit, as the kids say.  One of the most interesting family relationships I have may be the one I have with my earthly father.  He was the first man in my life. I love him very much, but he hasn't always been around.  The truth is, many of my other relationships have been affected by this one.  Because of this dysfunctional relationship,  I had trust issues.  I struggled in the early days of my marriage because I was so determined to be independent, and not have to be at any man's mercy.  In fact, when Mike and I first started dating, I kept waiting.... waiting for him to hurt me.  I actually expected that he would leave, like so many people do.  I hated Father's Day, because I didn't have happy memories of times spent with my dad.  I was super insecure and didn't feel I deserved to be loved.  I was angry, defensive, and very hard on myself.  Of course I knew how to hide it all.  I was really good at putting on a big, plastic smile, and laughing with those around me.  But inside, I was damaged.   Broken.  So very hurt.  It was like the little girl inside still wanted her daddy to come, hug her, and validate her worth.

The beautiful thing is that God healed my heart.  He helped me forgive my father--even though he didn't really change.  I changed, by the grace of God.  Father's Day is sweet now, because my children are blessed with a dad who loves them and is there for them.  I am learning to trust God in every area of my life, and no longer feel the need to always defend myself.  In life, people will hurt you.  After all, we are human, and we fail.  But never settle for living a life God did not intend for you to live.  Allow the pain to be a catalyst for growth and positive change.  And by all means, remember that God is not like man.  He will never abandon those who love Him and serve Him. 

No more pictures, please!

I do like taking pictures sometimes, but what bugs me is that I've noticed over the past several years, that I often seem to look exhausted in my pictures.  This picture was taken when Mike and I were on our honeymoon cruise back in May of 1998.  Aside from what looks like a healing pimple in the middle of my forehead, and Mike's needing a haircut, we look pretty good, I think.  We were young and excited about our new life together.  We were getting to know each other, and traveling together for the first time.  But I think we look pretty different than we do in recent pictures.  I often take several pictures of myself (like 10), just so I can find one decent picture.  I shoot from different angles, holding in my stomach and stretching my neck so I won't look so short.  Hahaha!!!

Well, we just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary in May, and we've had 5 children plus 1 miscarriage.  We've had some really high highs, and some seriously low lows during our marriage.  The truth is that I am tired lots of the time.  Sometimes it's physical.  Sometimes it's emotional.  Sometimes mental.  I used to try to figure everything out, and get really down on myself when I missed something.  But God has taught me over the years to take a deep breath, and just relax.  Sure there'll be times I get it wrong, but God never asked me to be superhuman.  That's why the name of this blog is "I'm Superwoman in my Dreams".  I am human.  I am flawed.  There is much I still do not know.  But I do know that when I get overwhelmed, I need to focus on The Father.  He alone will give me grace where I need it.  So, I will keep taking and posing for pictures, and if I happen to look exhausted, just smile and know that God's grace is sufficient for me--and for you!

Bifocals!? No way!

I've had 20/20 vision most of my life.  When I was 37, I went in for my normal eye exam, only to find that I would need glasses.  The prescription was a pretty light one, but it was the first time in my life that my eyesight needed a little help.  Well, I got the glasses, and wore them now and again.  It was all fine.  Fast forward about 7 years, and at my eye exam, the doctor uses the "B" word!!! BIFOCALS!!! I couldn't believe it.  I actually cried right there in his chair because I never even considered that I may need bifocals eventually.

I was pretty mortified.  I didn't get them that day, but about 2 years later (this year), I had to face it again.  This was a different doctor at at different place, and he said some of the same things I had heard a couple of years before.  So... I bit the bullet.  I got the glasses, and guess what?  I love them!!  Wow, it's awesome to be able to see so clearly!  It's like seeing everything in high definition.  And reading is wonderful too.  The tiny print in actually visible to me again!! Woohoo!!

This whole experience made me think of how we fight things in life.  Things that don't fit into our preconceived ideas about how life "should be."  We don't expect to lose a home.  We don't expect to lose our jobs, or lose loved ones unexpectedly.  Who actually gets married with the idea that 10 or 15 years later, they will be divorced or widowed?  Life is precarious, and some of things we experience are things we wouldn't want to see anyone go through, but God has an amazing way of turning mourning into dancing.  I have had a lot of loss in my life.  But what I am finding is that some of the things that have made me most uncomfortable have also made my vision clearer.  Pain is pain, and let's face it.  It stinks.  But it's part of this life, and beauty can definitely come out of pain.  I always say "It makes no sense to go through a trial, and not come out better than when you went into it.  If you come out the same, it was a waste of time".  Keep smiling, and never lose hope!

Where's My Knight in Shining Armor?

I looooove those mushy movies.  You know-the "chick flicks".  The ones where the couple starts out good, and then something crazy goes down-like some huge misunderstanding, or unconsenting parents who think their child is too good for the other person tries to keep them apart, or one person has to move away to another country.  I watch the movie, hanging on every word, to see what happens.  I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster.  I'm filled with hope and excitement, and anticipation, and concern, and sorrow.  And when the guy travels across the world to get his girl, or does whatever it is that he has to to assure her of his undying love, I feel like screaming!!  I mean, I love love!  

It may sound corny, but I think most women want to have a guy who will go to the ends of the earth to make her secure in his desire for her.  And I'm not talking about sex.  It's way deeper than sex.  No matter how independent and strong we are, we really want to be pursued, and desired.  In essence, outside of his love for God, we want, and need to be the center of his universe.  Sometimes marriage becomes mundane.  We've got bills, and kids, and family drama, and even heath challenges as we age.  Do I believe the husband should do all the work?  No. But I'd love to shout from the mountaintop, "Men, pursue your wives!  Don't allow her to feel neglected! Never take her for granted! And if you have to travel to the ends of the earth to show her just how much she means to you, by all means, do it! I promise-she will make it worth your wile!" 

I realize that marriage goes through seasons.  Some seasons are happy and wonderful.  Some are crazy and uncertain.  Some days I feel really in love with my husband.  There are other times I feel like I'm searching for something to hang on to.  I've always been strong, but I need my knight.  And I will always need him.

I Want To Make it Better--But I Can't

Being a mother is so wonderful, in so many ways.  Sometimes I am still amazed that God would trust me with 5 lives to shape and direct.  He absolutely gives me the grace to parent, but man, oh man!  There are times when my kids go through painful things, and all I want to do is fix it!  I mean, let's face it. It can be difficult to let go of being "The Fixer".  Take my son Michael for instance.  He will be 16 next month.  He'll be a junior in high school in August.  I keep thinking about how close he is to adulthood, and I kind of panic when I see a character flaw in him. I want him to go out into the world as a responsible, respectful, productive member of society.  And that window of opportunity is closing for us, his parents, to truly direct his behavior.  We've kind of got to get it in while we still can, right?  But as my children have crossed over into young adulthood, I am made keenly aware of the fact that the world can be cruel, and that, like me, my babies.... uh... I mean... teens, have to face disappointment and pain sometimes.  I'm their mom.  I want to make it better!  I want to fight the battle-or at least help in the battle.  But, that is not always my position anymore.  This is the time that all the years of instruction and late night talks, and prayer, most of all, are drawn on, to guide them.  It hurts me to see my young adults hurt, but I must not step in to fix everything, or they may not know they have what it takes inside to come out of that situation victoriously.