Grief vs. Hope

Grief is an interesting thing.  We usually equate grieving with some sort of loss--most especially the loss of a life.  We absolutely grieve when someone we love has passed away, or even for someone we never knew, but saw so much potential in.  But there are many people, myself included, who have grieved for the loss of what once was.  Maybe it was a child who had so much promise, but ended up on drugs or wasting his or her life away in another fashion.  Maybe the marriage started out beautifully, and life, or someone's selfishness has caused all the hope for the future to be all but gone.  Sometimes it is a health issue, a financial situation, or even doubt of one's own purpose.  Grief is the same across the board.  While it is natural to grieve, prolonged grief-setting up "camp" in the valley of grief will suck the life out of you.  Loss is what it is--loss.  

So earlier, I watched a great movie, which, while I enjoyed it, reminded me of my own loss.  I couldn't help but walk away afterwards, and just weep.   But as surely as God sees and knows my heartache, He brought this scripture to my mind:

"But we were hoping that it was He Who was going to redeem Israel.  Indeed, besides all this, today is the third day since these things happened."       
                                                                         Luke 24:21 NKJV

This account in scripture tells of two of Jesus followers who were traveling to the village of Emmaus three days after the Crucifixion.  This was the same day that they were told by the women, Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and other women about how they went to the tomb, did NOT find Jesus' body there, but instead were visited by angels who reminded them of the words Jesus had spoken to them, saying He would be crucified but rise on the third day.  As the men walked and talked,  Jesus Himself came near and went along with them, only He did not allow them to know that it was He.  Jesus began to question them about why they were having this sad conversation, to which they replied, something to the effect of, "Are you the only stranger in Jerusalem, that you don't know what happened here in these last few days?"  They continued to talk to Jesus, still not recognizing Who they were conversing with, explaining how they had hoped that Jesus would have been the One Who would redeem Israel. 

After all the time Jesus had spent with them prior to the day He laid down His life, and after all He had revealed to them, they were doubtful of His predictions.  Maybe they were expecting Jesus to set up His kingdom down here on earth.  But His kingdom is not of this world.  And so here I was, feeling grief because of the many losses in my life, and the one my heart hurts about the most.  The problem is that my hope-your hope cannot/should not be in our situation changing, or in our family members changing, or even in our government changing.  It must be in GOD alone.  Only He knows the deepest parts of me and how I long for lasting change in my life and circumstances.  

Don't wait for things to change to find joy and peace.  Ask yourself "what if this never changes?" What will you do if things do not change the way you'd like? Although we must have faith that God will move in our lives, our faith in our unfailing, all-knowing Father is the anchor for our lives and souls.  We serve a God Who has a unique gift of turning mourning into dancing.  I've decided, that tears or no tears, because after all, I am human, and have a lot to bear, I will dance now, because my hope is in God--and He is never unfaithful! Hallelujah!

Unfaithful

My heart was a bit sad earlier this evening because of ongoing disappointment in the behavior of another person.  Now, I'm not talking about silly little stuff, but true challenge in an important relationship in my life.   You can't make people understand your heart, no matter how many times you try to explain.  And when someone's actions or inactions are hurtful,   You can become very frustrated with trying to get them to see when you're coming from.  Sometimes, if you're not careful, you can become cynical about relationships in general.  You can allow that pain to cause you to pull away from healthy relationships.   The craziest thing of all is that we can pull away from God when our hearts have been broken by man.  If you have never done that, you are blessed!  The truth is that I absolutely have done that, and I am tremendously blessed because God gave me revelation and allowed me to see that was exactly what I had done to Him.  Recently, one of the ministers at my church preached a message that talked about returning to God.  I was so convicted by that message, and came home and continued to meditate on the scripture in the second chapter of the book of Joel.  Father allowed me to see that I had begun to lose faith in Him because I was disappointed by man and circumstances.  But because of His mercy, I was able to repent, and give Him my whole heart again. What joy and freedom I immediately experienced!

“Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.”

          Psalms 37:3 NKJV

 The dictionary definition of the word faithful is : True to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
 No matter what I have experienced, even in the worst times, and although I have been unfaithful to God, He has always been true to His word, His promises, and His vows.  So now, even when I am sad, disappointed, or hurt about another person's behavior toward me, I am learning to do what the Scripture says: feed on God's faithfulness.   To me, this simply means to meditate on and think and praise God for his constant faithfulness to what He has spoken to me.  I never have to fear because He promised never to leave or forsake me.


 Feeding on God's faithfulness is something that must be done consistently.  It brings strength, confidence in the Father, peace, and I am sure it pleases Him, which is very important to me.  It also increases faith.

Know this: God is NEVER unfaithful!! NEVER! NEVER!! NEVER!!   No matter what you may be facing, continually remind yourself, through reading the Scriptures, and listening to sermons that talk about the faithfulness of God, that He is indeed the One you can put full confidence in. Trust in God. Do what is right in His eyes. Dwell in peace where you are. And feed (continually) on His faithfulness. You won't regret it!!

The Right Kind of Dependence

This post is specifically for believers-and those who are coming into a relationship with Christ. There comes a time when you have to make the hard choice. Many around you who claim to be Christians are only part-time followers of Christ.  You see, being a true follower-a disciple of Jesus Christ means total surrender.  And total surrender is NOT an easy thing.

From the time we are babies, although most parents love nurturing a bundle of joy, we are consistently encouraged to become independent.  Use the potty.  Eat with a spoon.  Drink from a cup. Sleep in your own bed.  Walk. Verbalize what you want. Go off to preschool. Then kindergarten.  Middle school.  High school.  College.  And so on.  All that learning to find our self-confidence, and master life skills, and that's all good stuff.  But then there's faith.  Trust. Surrender. For some of us, these concepts are challenging.  I was raised by a single mom who adamantly taught us to be independent, to not ever be a burden to others, and that if you wanted something done right, you did it yourself. I had to be pretty grown-up at an early age. I was doing some of the food shopping and cooking dinner for the family when I was 12.  My mom worked 2 full-time jobs sometimes, and I was left to be the mature one in the house.  I love and appreciate all my mother did, and I don't fault her for any of that.  My dad was out of place, so our roles had to shift.  However, when I gave my life to The Lord at 14, and for many, many years afterwards, even until recently, I struggled with my faith.  Trust wasn't something that came easy to me, and I had learned to depend mostly on the one person I thought I could trust: me.  But I found out that I cannot really be trusted with myself--not totally.

So, eventually it got a little easier to trust God--not that He EVER gave me a reason not to trust Him. But life can throw you some serious curveballs, and sometimes I just wanted the craziness to stop. Through all the trials, I found there were less and less comforts to depend on--and less people to lean on. As a matter of fact, each and every crutch I found-friends, food, hubby--everything--has been taken away.  There have been recent times when I literally felt like I was losing it.

The thing is, God wants us to only put our full trust and hope in Him.  One thing about losing lots of things in your life is that you will learn to give your total heart to The Father, or you will keep looking for a crutch to help you cope. I'm excited and grateful because God is showing me that He is answering my prayers.  Through my pain, loss, and hardship, I have come face-to-face with the real me, and I am choosing to allow Him to to take every crutch, and heal the areas in my heart that were still damaged, and my faith is flourishing! I have given Him my heart again-completely this time, and I find rest in my Savior.

What a Love!

This picture with a manger and the Cross is beautiful to me.  On Christmas, some traditionally remember Jesus' birth in Bethlehem.  They think about the fact that He was born, but that's about all. Others don't consider The Lord at all.  They simply take part in the festivities, and gift-giving and receiving.  I think it's easy to stop at His birth.  But like the above picture so perfectly illustrates, Jesus' purpose was to die.  For me. For you.  He was Lord when He was born, and He is Lord now and forever.

Recently I looked at a familiar scripture, but The Father let something stick out to me that I don't think ever has before:

"She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”  (emphasis mine)
       Matthew 1:21 NIV

The scripture says "...because He will save HIS people from their sins." As I read this verse, the fact that He called us HIS people stood out to me.  It's as if He called me His even while I was in my sin.  The Father is infinite, and yes, He knew beforehand that I would accept Him and ask Him to come into my heart and be Lord of my life.  But He loved me before I ever said yes!! As He watched me do crazy things, risk my life and safety, try hard to fit in, get involved in ungodly behavior, He still loved me! I am overwhelmed by this!  What a love that waits and woos.  What a love The Father had for me, that He had redemption in mind. God knew we would sin and lose our way, so He prepared a way of escape for us.  Thank You Jesus!!! I love you!!

Still

Why the flowers? Well, I love flowers.  They are representative of life, beauty, and even bright tomorrows, to me.  My life has been really challenging for the last several years, and it's become even more challenging over the past few months.  It feels like so many things have gone wrong, and my faith is being hit.  All my "stuff"-my inner issues are surfacing.  You see, when life if especially hard, you end up coming face to face with the real YOU.  So, I found that I was still fearful. Still impatient.   Still having unrealistic expectations of people.  Still desperate for friends-maybe for the wrong reasons.  Still angry.

I've expected my folk to really reach out to me during this time, and they mostly have not.  That brought up issues.  I've had to see my children angry and disappointed.  That brings up more issues.  I've had suggestions to do things that aren't right--just to get myself out of this situation.  And that makes me look at my commitment to God.  My prayer life has gone down.  Why? Mainly because I have been stunned and upset, and tired of the pain.  More issues.  When it's all said and done, where is my faith?  Who am I?  And how do I handle it when the phone doesn't ring, and almost no one calls or texts--when I feel so in need of a friend who's there when I feel so alone, and when so many people know how broken I have been?  How much do I trust God?  How solid is my marriage?  What do I do when it looks like all I've hoped for and believed for is out of reach?  When my children want to know why all of this is happening to us?

Even as I type, I have no idea about what to do, or how to resolve the stuff my family and I are having to deal with currently.  We need such a miracle.  And the truth is, it doesn't look very promising.

But the thing I know is, God specializes in things that are impossible with man.  I think many times, people around you seem not to care because they don't stop and check on you.  Sometimes, maybe, they don't really know what to say to make it better, so they stay away.  I forgive them.  This does, however make me want to never not reach out to those who are hurting--even if I don't know what to say.  Sometimes it helps just to know someone is thinking of you and praying for you-even when they don't see you.

I am fighting with all my might to believe my best days are ahead.  I am struggling--but still believing.  If I give up my faith now, the enemy wins and I lose.  And losing is not an option for me. I've come too far. Yes, I will cry.  My tears help me survive.  Without that release, I'm not sure I would make it.  If pressure builds and builds and builds, and there is no outlet, eventually there is an explosion--and that will not be my story.

So I continue to hope.  To stand.  To fight.  To believe.  Hand in hand with my husband, and looking to The Only One Who is Eternally Faithful, I stand.  One day I will have a testimony--a mind-blowing, God-glorifying testimony.  Until then, I continue to hope.

My Personal Journal Entry

This is my personal journal entry. It's actually my prayer to God.  Yes, I am making it public in hopes it will resonate with someone and give someone encouragement.  I love blogging because I want to be transparent, and I believe that only the people who are meant to read my posts will read them.  I love you all.

 Today- well, tonight, I am choosing to write my prayer to You, Sweet, Kind, Amazing, Faithful Father.  I come to You in the matchless Name of my Savior, JESUS CHRIST. The truth is-and You already know this-I have been finding it hard to pray.  Although I am grateful for the good in my life, I have experienced way more sorrow during my adulthood than I ever imagined I would. I was sure that so much sadness in my early years was giving way to a dream life--not a perfect life, but at least one where I would feel significant and loved unconditionally.  I fight the thought that this whole thing is like a "fixed fight"-set up for me to lose. I would love to have understanding of why I have to have so much pain-and the kind that is embarrassing-so I can't tell many people about it, so there is much loneliness.  Wondering why people have walked away.  Wondering when things get better.  I have to keep hope alive, otherwise I don't know how I'd survive this. I understand that when people see me cry often, they sometimes think it's a sign of being overly sensitive or even weak.  They have no idea how in my flesh, I want to either fight or take flight. They have no idea how much I bear, and how my heart feels like it is perpetually broken-or how I grieve for the life I once had--and the life I thought I'd have.  BUT, I will still hold onto Your Hand, for it is an unchanging Hand.  Yes, my heart aches, but I love You more than life itself.  In spite of all of this, You are sovereign, and I remember that my life and times are in Your hands.  Maybe I've been finding it hard to pray because I have mistakenly been thinking I need to pray certain words or phrases, and be super joyful.  After all, I want to make You smile.  But, the truth is that I am broken.  Crushed. Exhausted.  But I am here. Still standing.  Only because of Your grace.  My hope is not in my husband, my finances, my business, or my abilities. My hope is in YOU. I love You, JESUS!            Please help me to make the right choices during this time in my life-and PLEASE, PLEASE, use this to make me like You. I pray this in Jesus' Name.  Amen.

An Empty Jar

As I was praying just a couple of days ago, God allowed me to see something very clearly. We are all like the jar pictured above.  Even when we try not to let people see who we really are, we show them our true selves eventually.  When someone meets us, they see much about us-without our saying a lot.  Our lives (jars) show our fears, our interests, our frustrations, our goals, and our aspirations.  Some of us have jars that are overflowing with all the stuff we want out of life.  We want to be well off financially, and have healthy relationships.  Most of our jars are quite full. 

But God wants our jars empty.  I absolutely believe The Father wants us to have goals and dreams, but He doesn't want our will to overshadow His.  He has made it clear that we are to have no other gods before Him.  One of our biggest issues in life is that we lack balance. And the attitude we must maintain is "Not my will, Lord, but Thine be done."  The beauty of an empty jar is that God gets to fill it up with what He desires.  

"I desire to do Your will, my God; your law is within my heart."  Psalm 40;8 NIV

My deepest desire is to make a difference in this world for Christ, and for His kingdom. Just like many people in Jesus' day thought His kingdom would be an earthly one, so many people look at us and only see our natural abilities, and our earthly potential.  This world seems to have a lot to offer, but like my Savior, this world is not my home. I am simply a stranger and a pilgrim passing through. Therefore, I must remind myself that I am a vessel who belongs to The Lord, and must accomplish His will for me, while I am in this body, for the length of days I am allotted.  When people meet me, I pray they see Christ, and His love, and His light, and His desires.  They have see