This is my personal journal entry. It's actually my prayer to God. Yes, I am making it public in hopes it will resonate with someone and give someone encouragement. I love blogging because I want to be transparent, and I believe that only the people who are meant to read my posts will read them. I love you all.
Today- well, tonight, I am choosing to write my prayer to You, Sweet, Kind, Amazing, Faithful Father. I come to You in the matchless Name of my Savior, JESUS CHRIST. The truth is-and You already know this-I have been finding it hard to pray. Although I am grateful for the good in my life, I have experienced way more sorrow during my adulthood than I ever imagined I would. I was sure that so much sadness in my early years was giving way to a dream life--not a perfect life, but at least one where I would feel significant and loved unconditionally. I fight the thought that this whole thing is like a "fixed fight"-set up for me to lose. I would love to have understanding of why I have to have so much pain-and the kind that is embarrassing-so I can't tell many people about it, so there is much loneliness. Wondering why people have walked away. Wondering when things get better. I have to keep hope alive, otherwise I don't know how I'd survive this. I understand that when people see me cry often, they sometimes think it's a sign of being overly sensitive or even weak. They have no idea how in my flesh, I want to either fight or take flight. They have no idea how much I bear, and how my heart feels like it is perpetually broken-or how I grieve for the life I once had--and the life I thought I'd have. BUT, I will still hold onto Your Hand, for it is an unchanging Hand. Yes, my heart aches, but I love You more than life itself. In spite of all of this, You are sovereign, and I remember that my life and times are in Your hands. Maybe I've been finding it hard to pray because I have mistakenly been thinking I need to pray certain words or phrases, and be super joyful. After all, I want to make You smile. But, the truth is that I am broken. Crushed. Exhausted. But I am here. Still standing. Only because of Your grace. My hope is not in my husband, my finances, my business, or my abilities. My hope is in YOU. I love You, JESUS! Please help me to make the right choices during this time in my life-and PLEASE, PLEASE, use this to make me like You. I pray this in Jesus' Name. Amen.
Today- well, tonight, I am choosing to write my prayer to You, Sweet, Kind, Amazing, Faithful Father. I come to You in the matchless Name of my Savior, JESUS CHRIST. The truth is-and You already know this-I have been finding it hard to pray. Although I am grateful for the good in my life, I have experienced way more sorrow during my adulthood than I ever imagined I would. I was sure that so much sadness in my early years was giving way to a dream life--not a perfect life, but at least one where I would feel significant and loved unconditionally. I fight the thought that this whole thing is like a "fixed fight"-set up for me to lose. I would love to have understanding of why I have to have so much pain-and the kind that is embarrassing-so I can't tell many people about it, so there is much loneliness. Wondering why people have walked away. Wondering when things get better. I have to keep hope alive, otherwise I don't know how I'd survive this. I understand that when people see me cry often, they sometimes think it's a sign of being overly sensitive or even weak. They have no idea how in my flesh, I want to either fight or take flight. They have no idea how much I bear, and how my heart feels like it is perpetually broken-or how I grieve for the life I once had--and the life I thought I'd have. BUT, I will still hold onto Your Hand, for it is an unchanging Hand. Yes, my heart aches, but I love You more than life itself. In spite of all of this, You are sovereign, and I remember that my life and times are in Your hands. Maybe I've been finding it hard to pray because I have mistakenly been thinking I need to pray certain words or phrases, and be super joyful. After all, I want to make You smile. But, the truth is that I am broken. Crushed. Exhausted. But I am here. Still standing. Only because of Your grace. My hope is not in my husband, my finances, my business, or my abilities. My hope is in YOU. I love You, JESUS! Please help me to make the right choices during this time in my life-and PLEASE, PLEASE, use this to make me like You. I pray this in Jesus' Name. Amen.
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