Still

Why the flowers? Well, I love flowers.  They are representative of life, beauty, and even bright tomorrows, to me.  My life has been really challenging for the last several years, and it's become even more challenging over the past few months.  It feels like so many things have gone wrong, and my faith is being hit.  All my "stuff"-my inner issues are surfacing.  You see, when life if especially hard, you end up coming face to face with the real YOU.  So, I found that I was still fearful. Still impatient.   Still having unrealistic expectations of people.  Still desperate for friends-maybe for the wrong reasons.  Still angry.

I've expected my folk to really reach out to me during this time, and they mostly have not.  That brought up issues.  I've had to see my children angry and disappointed.  That brings up more issues.  I've had suggestions to do things that aren't right--just to get myself out of this situation.  And that makes me look at my commitment to God.  My prayer life has gone down.  Why? Mainly because I have been stunned and upset, and tired of the pain.  More issues.  When it's all said and done, where is my faith?  Who am I?  And how do I handle it when the phone doesn't ring, and almost no one calls or texts--when I feel so in need of a friend who's there when I feel so alone, and when so many people know how broken I have been?  How much do I trust God?  How solid is my marriage?  What do I do when it looks like all I've hoped for and believed for is out of reach?  When my children want to know why all of this is happening to us?

Even as I type, I have no idea about what to do, or how to resolve the stuff my family and I are having to deal with currently.  We need such a miracle.  And the truth is, it doesn't look very promising.

But the thing I know is, God specializes in things that are impossible with man.  I think many times, people around you seem not to care because they don't stop and check on you.  Sometimes, maybe, they don't really know what to say to make it better, so they stay away.  I forgive them.  This does, however make me want to never not reach out to those who are hurting--even if I don't know what to say.  Sometimes it helps just to know someone is thinking of you and praying for you-even when they don't see you.

I am fighting with all my might to believe my best days are ahead.  I am struggling--but still believing.  If I give up my faith now, the enemy wins and I lose.  And losing is not an option for me. I've come too far. Yes, I will cry.  My tears help me survive.  Without that release, I'm not sure I would make it.  If pressure builds and builds and builds, and there is no outlet, eventually there is an explosion--and that will not be my story.

So I continue to hope.  To stand.  To fight.  To believe.  Hand in hand with my husband, and looking to The Only One Who is Eternally Faithful, I stand.  One day I will have a testimony--a mind-blowing, God-glorifying testimony.  Until then, I continue to hope.

My Personal Journal Entry

This is my personal journal entry. It's actually my prayer to God.  Yes, I am making it public in hopes it will resonate with someone and give someone encouragement.  I love blogging because I want to be transparent, and I believe that only the people who are meant to read my posts will read them.  I love you all.

 Today- well, tonight, I am choosing to write my prayer to You, Sweet, Kind, Amazing, Faithful Father.  I come to You in the matchless Name of my Savior, JESUS CHRIST. The truth is-and You already know this-I have been finding it hard to pray.  Although I am grateful for the good in my life, I have experienced way more sorrow during my adulthood than I ever imagined I would. I was sure that so much sadness in my early years was giving way to a dream life--not a perfect life, but at least one where I would feel significant and loved unconditionally.  I fight the thought that this whole thing is like a "fixed fight"-set up for me to lose. I would love to have understanding of why I have to have so much pain-and the kind that is embarrassing-so I can't tell many people about it, so there is much loneliness.  Wondering why people have walked away.  Wondering when things get better.  I have to keep hope alive, otherwise I don't know how I'd survive this. I understand that when people see me cry often, they sometimes think it's a sign of being overly sensitive or even weak.  They have no idea how in my flesh, I want to either fight or take flight. They have no idea how much I bear, and how my heart feels like it is perpetually broken-or how I grieve for the life I once had--and the life I thought I'd have.  BUT, I will still hold onto Your Hand, for it is an unchanging Hand.  Yes, my heart aches, but I love You more than life itself.  In spite of all of this, You are sovereign, and I remember that my life and times are in Your hands.  Maybe I've been finding it hard to pray because I have mistakenly been thinking I need to pray certain words or phrases, and be super joyful.  After all, I want to make You smile.  But, the truth is that I am broken.  Crushed. Exhausted.  But I am here. Still standing.  Only because of Your grace.  My hope is not in my husband, my finances, my business, or my abilities. My hope is in YOU. I love You, JESUS!            Please help me to make the right choices during this time in my life-and PLEASE, PLEASE, use this to make me like You. I pray this in Jesus' Name.  Amen.