What's Love Got to Do With It?

When I was younger, I didn't understand why people always said "You can't love anyone else, until you love yourself".  I mean, I was nice to people.  I helped them, forgave them, and was quite loving, or so I thought.  You see, I only came to know what loving myself was within the last 15 years or so.  This means, of course, that I was around 30 when I kinda started getting it.

Before you can genuinely love yourself, you've got to know yourself.  God took me on a journey of getting to know who I was-the way He made me-originally, and not the way the happenings of life had shaped my character. For instance, I used to think I was shy and quiet.  But God showed me that life had caused me to second-guess myself and fear what people would think about me.  I didn't want to be rejected, so I became mute.  When I really began to listen to my internal dialogue, I found that I was very hard on myself.  I called myself names (not out loud, of course), beating myself up when I failed, and was pretty merciless with the one I can never escape-myself.  So, knowing I was hard on myself, but so understanding with other people, caused me to really listen to my internal dialogue when it came to dealing with others.  Remember one thing: SELF-DECEPTION  IS THE WORST KIND OF DECEPTION! What I saw was startling and scary!  I found that I was not kind and understanding with others.  Inside, I was angry and annoyed with other people.  Much of the time, I fussed at them in my mind and had negative thoughts about why they did what they did, and I didn't actually have much mercy on them.  What an epiphany!! Hallelujah!

As awful as this sounds, I've come to understand that you cannot change what you don't realize is a problem.  So my journey to self love began.  When my son was little, he'd say "Mistakes... everybody makes them!"  God allowed me to catch that! So, when I would fail in an area, I'd say what my little boy would say: "Mistakes--everybody makes them!"  This small gesture was a tool for me in learning to extend mercy--to myself, and then to others.  I got to know--and like myself, and in turn, I began to see people differently.  Now,  the temptation still comes, to be harder on myself than I need to be, but if I see my flaw or flawed behavior, admit it, repent (make a conscious, deliberate effort to turn from it), ask God for forgiveness, and forgive myself, I can keep moving forward.  So grateful that I'm never too old to learn, and I'm even more grateful that The Lord never stops teaching me! God is LOVE!