Yesterday was a rough one for me. I try so hard to be strong, and do what I am supposed to. I take my responsibilities seriously, and try to be where I am supposed to be-on time. No, I don't always hit the mark in that area, but I do try. Tending to the necessary, the important, and the crucial. But sometimes, right in the middle of the stuff I'm doing, I break down. I can be fine one moment and then just bust out crying. I know it may make people feel a little weird, and those around me may not understand, but there are things (important things) in my life that seem to be falling apart. As I said before, when you go through a trial that lasts maybe 6 months, it's hard, but when the pain lasts more than 7 years, it will try absolutely every "nerve" you have! I am learning, through my own trial, not to judge people, or how I see them behave, because they can be dealing with things that I can only imagine having to deal with.
I prayed to the Lord during praise team rehearsal, last night, "Lord, I hope there is some oil that comes out of me, because I feel like I'm being crushed". Life is precarious, and Jesus told us we would have tribulation, but the truth is, I feel sometimes like, "when is this going to be over"? The real is, I fight not to become cynical--to keep believing good will come. Don't get me wrong. I have some beauty in my life. It's just that the pain has been pretty much constant for almost a decade. I really feel, many days, like I'm running on empty. Like I'm just done. Enough is enough.
The only reason I survive each day is because of Christ. I regularly (sometimes more than once a day), choose to forgive those who cause me hurt. Even now, I know it is only my connection to The Father that keeps my aching heart from just failing (emotionally), altogether. I fight to keep my thoughts in line with God's. I have to decide each day to praise Him. And as I reach out for Him, He reaches out for me. He comforts me, and loves on me, giving me the "staying power" I need, and reminds me that I am His own. I don't have control over other people, and I can't control many situations, but I can make the choice to praise God with all my heart. I truly believe that He honors the sacrifice, because it is a sacrifice when every part of you says "Just stay in bed and sleep, so you don't have to deal". I am so grateful I can release the stress through my tears in prayer, praise and worship. I do not exaggerate when I say that worship and praise keeps me alive. My advice to you: Weep if you must, but pour out your heart and tears to God. Never stop praising Him, because when you do, He strengthens you. Some of the clearest messages I've received from God came during praise and worship. It's as if the garbage that pollutes the (spiritual) air on a regular basis is cleared when true worship is going on, and I can hear The Lord clearer. It's so wonderful! I know that man may be unfaithful. I can't count how many times I have been unfaithful to God, but He is NEVER unfaithful! He knows and cares for us, and the most awesome thing is that He will never leave or forsake His own! Hallelujah!
Mark 9:24Living Bible (TLB)
24 The father instantly replied, “I do have faith; oh, help me to have more!”
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